Movies

 Last week attend the AI certification course for 3 days and after attending for around 10 hours each day was like slight a very sick. Was looking forward to sleep for the whole day. But, P called during one of the day and asked "can we watch kubera night show". Since Nagarjuna was there - i thought why not and expected it to be entertaining inspite of Dhanush.....

En vazhkaila naan neraiya mistakes panni irukken, but this is the most stupidest decision of my life ( pls dont come at me saying i dont have any rasanai and all) . Each one go to movies expecting something - its their preference. For me , movie has to be entertaining. I, especially watch movies to escape the reality for 3 hours and prefer the feel good thing which clings to you.. Or it can be regular masala movie which makes you to bash it left and right and still forget everything and enjoy it without logic.

This movie is neither here nor there. After a point i felt sick and it was like eppada padam mudiyumnu irunthuthu. And it was neither in the genre of "Naan kadavul" nor like "pichaikkaran" . It tried to be something in between with the sole aim of getting Dhanush his one more National award.

The sickness continued the next day too and my whole Sunday was ruined. Was cursing P like anything....

Then he said ok - lets go to Sitare zameen par and went to that movie.

My god - I could completely relate to the movie and I do deal with students who are special. It was not melodramatic considering the plot and was not preachy but made you think from their point of view and reiterates again and again that they are also part of your society and need not be judged as per your standards.

More than anything it showed us that happiness is in your hands and ruining or enjoying is up to you.

Fear

 While reading so many novels , i used to come across the description of fear - usually it goes like this - it feels like ball moving between your stomach and chest and a metallic taste in the mouth and tightness in the chest. I used to wonder about that - how people are describing this.

But, i did experience this - I made a mistake in my work. Its common mistake that can be rectified but when you are overconfident about your work and just suddenly realize and catch hold of your mistake - i felt all the above feelings and experienced everything.

Have i not felt fear before - ofcourse i have felt - when aathu had his hear attack during Covid time and he was in trichy and i was in chennai - but that was a numb feel where my every action was on auto pilot mode - arranging care for paatti, P and Pa who were very small (both showed exemplary behaviour) - going to trichy with strangers - managing everything there alone -  and that post yet to continue.

But, this was different - aathu who is my confident and pillar of support - gave me confidence and said we can rectify and if needed can even compensate them - came all the way immediately from Mumbai just because he cannot see me sad during our facetime.

The thing got finally resolved - but it was a lesson for me to be careful - not that i was careless but to double check everything.

Favourite Hero

 Well, I had written the title and it has been in my draft for 2 months. Just when i came back to my blog, thought i would continue on this topic.

I think the favourites always are influenced by the family or your friends and the environment you grow or the social compulsions.

Mine, being joint family, I grew up with my uncles who were 15 years elder to me. As you know boys being boys, they never grew up fast and we were like siblings. 

And he had this huge liking towards Kamalhaasan and that somehow rubbed on me. Though i wouldnt have admitted on that point of time, an admiration or the liking towards him slowly sprouted.

I was always different in the sense - i used to like Nagesh , Jaishankar very much from my childhood. Somehow, I was mesmerised by their presence on screen. I loved their movies where they were shown in shades of Grey.

Iam a very big fan of MMKR and Avvai shanmugi and now when i go and revisit all his interviews, its like wonder for me. Iam so in awe of his knowledge and the way he articulates ( intha word kku meaning therinju use panna 15 years aachu - story of that word is one big puranam) . I started watching bigboss only for the weekend episodes and i get so angry if any of them disturb me during that show.

I loved the way he handled all the immatured people and it requires certain patience. Me, handling the teens in my class, i get rattled easily now. But, now i wonder , for his stature the way he handled all those attention seeking, athigaprasangi and immature lot was sheer brilliance. More than his knowledge in cinema , i like his spontaneity and his cheeky responses.

Earlier, I was under the impression that he talks to show his intelligence or he doesnt cater to the general audience. But, now when i go back and replay everything, iam amazed at the way he was trying to improve the quality of peoples thinking by constantly giving some fodder for thought.

Now, i get upset if anyone kalachufy him, make fun of the way he speaks. And i also laugh at their ignorance and would think, these people would also realise someday.

As movie is not my main passtime or my profession, this is just my way of appreciating a person who deserves to be appreciated and honoured.

Waiting for June 6 

Boomer

 Nee oru Boomer........ This is what P said during a conversation

Pa is a very sensitive girl. Sensitive means jolly kku kooda ethu sonnalum intha Peppa pig parthu valanthathanala 'Hooon ' appadinnu  she would fold her hands and turn her face and go and sit in a corner.

This used to happen in the childhood. But, now it has reached advanced stage where apart from Hoon tears started rolling. Ithula beauty ennanna, if you dont pay attention it would turn into visumbals and into a full fledged orchestra.......

Ithula perumbaalum maatrathu P thaan. Because he used to assume the role of elder brother very seriously and tease her and avane poi avala kaal la vizhunthu pacify um panna vendiya situation la maattippan.

The same thing happened yesterday during night time. Usually, i dont get into this. Namakku thaan theriyume kazhutha ketta kuttichuvarunnu (ithukkum nadakkara sambavathukkum sambandam illennalum naanga pazhamozhi solluvom). But my BP rises if it is in the night time that too before bed time. 

And today also she was in a bad mood but courtesy me - i bought watermelon and since she is having cold for the last few days asked her to have it during the day rather than evening. Avvalavuthaan ore hoon thaan. Then her brother came and appadiye annan mode kku switch aayittu - amma avala enna sonne nnu kettuttu , to pacify her called her for helping him in writing a script for a story. I said what she would do and he said its a love story and he needs a girls perception and I said i would offer you in a better way than her. Athukkuthaan first sentence came as a response. Avvalavuthaan annanum thangaiyum ore pasamalar rangekku siripputhaan....

After this i was watching an episode of some Deepawali sirappu nigazhchi of Kamal with SPB and Ramesh Arvind.

It was exhilarating to watch them on screen. Iam a very big fan of Kamal and SPB too. U wont believe I used to watch Bigboss only because of Kamal and even if i dont watch some episodes , i used to read the synopsis by Kannan in Ananda Vikatan so that i wouldnt be able to miss the repertoire by Kamal in the  weekend episodes with respect to certain context.

And while watching that episode I had tears in my eyes.... I didnt know whether it was the songs or the camaraderie between them. I used to wonder how can a person be good in so many aspects - that too a school dropout. And this statement from AR Rahman answered that beautifully. He said as school dropouts we were terrified of being left behind, so our thirst was insatiable and we are literally like sponges. 

Did the education system rob us that insatiability or the thirst for knowledge? May be iam a boomer.....

Cringe

 This word is dominating the vocabulary of the kids now-a-days. For everything , they are using this word and some emojis which they use, i cant even decipher.

I had to ask other students for the emojis they use as reply for certain messages.

So, why this periya puranam? When i was just going through the post, all my recent post have been so cringe. Ore sontha katha soga kathaya irukku. Enakke pasa malar and pava mannippu pakkara oru feeling.....

I have this colleague who gives me saree every navarathri and it has been accumulating in my cupboards and not to mention some students mom who also give me sarees.... Ethukku intha formalities nnu velila bayangara bantha pannalum, ullukkulla bayangara santhosham thaaan. I think receiving gifts in appreciation of your work or yourself is good feel illa...... 

Aathu thaan bayangara upset. Unakku ennama ellarum saree , gift unnu ellam vaangi tharuvaanga and Birthday vantha ore Happy birthday maam thaaan

My first batch students actually got me a cake (talking about 2018) on my birthday and it was totally unexpected and i didnt know how to react (aathu is very possessive in that sense and i just handled that incident very badly) . So, i make it a point not to have class on my birthdays and mostly the students forget or they wish me through messages. And of late, last 3 years i just go out of station those block of days... 

This year also, planned a holiday and students being smart (and sweet too) planned a surprise the week before and came with cake and snacks and a gift.... It was totally a surprise . When i said this to aathu and my neighbours , they were like ( enna prasad woww what a surprise maathiriyannu ore kalachittanga)

But, nejammave it was a surprise, cause these past 6 years, students were just wishing me and i never expected anything more also. My logic is - for them this year iam special , but next year they would forget and we cant find fault also......

But, my first batch still make it a point to wish me and get me a gift every year , even if iam not here......

Ok, coming back to the gift - it was an oxymoron - they gave me a clock with correct time.... Why because my clock at home is 40 minutes fast and I really like it that way :)

Engeyo arambichu engeyo poitten.....

The thing is , aathu gave saree for valentine's day right , so i collected all the sarees accumulating - took 5 of them to the tailor shop and gave for stitching..... She was saying - madam, ithukku konjam embroidery and work panna nalla irukkum, see i did piping work last time and it was good thaane nnu.... I was like little hesitant and said ok and immediately she said oru Rs3500 aagumnu. I was so shocked... Madam naan saree ye antha range la edukka maatten and en kalyanathukke avvalavu velaila blouse thaikkala, so please stick to the basic pattern and normal la thachi kudunga... Jannal , kathavu, thappal ellam vendamnu sollittu vanthen

I went back yesterday to collect. Took approx 5k and i already had 1500 in my purse, Seri evvavalu aagapoguthunnu paartha.... She said 6250.

Full purse appaidye thodachu kuduthuttu ... inime saree gift tharatheengannu oru board vaikkanumnu manasula nenachindu vanthutten........

Next, Pa kku sumangali prarthanais kku vantha pavadai ellam irukku..... Atha appadiye kannukku maraiva vechutten.... pakkalaam

Pa Chronicles-II

 Remember the post with P chennaigirl: Shock of the life

Now its happening with Pa, last year once when we were returning home, Pa was waving to her friend T who goes in Van. She ran and came and was talking in hushed tones with Pa

When asked what it was (at that time Pa was in 6th std) , she said T is sad because her crush was leaving the school and wouldn't be continuing in the same van. Ennathaan second time happening naalum, the younger ones are always treated as kids and all the more shocking to hear. But, konjam controlled ah, keeping face straight didnt react much and just asked ' oh ok, is he in same class ah nna, she said illa illa he is in 4th std nu'

Ethula beauty ennanna, i called T's mom for inviting her for Pa's birthday at home. And she said ' illanga, avanga appakku party laam intha vayasula pidikkathunnu'. I was taken back and said illanga , party laam illa just cake cutting and calling few girls thats it . Again she reiterated saying, intha vayasula ippadi party ku laam anupparthu avarukku pidikkathunnu. 

Ippadi sonna parents kku , appadi oru Ponnu. All the cartoons, reels and everything.

Now, coming to the present scenario, I have a playlist in Amazon and it is a mix of Illayaraja, A.R.Rahman and few Hindi songs. So, Pa who is into spotify with all those korean bands started listening to my playlist as well and was asking about the songs. I was giving information, when suddenly she said, me and V used to sing while doing classwork or free period, so she doesnt know English songs and Iam learning the Tamil ones. I was like parava illaye ( tamil veetla pesinalum UK return maathiri feel panra ponnu Tamil paattu kathukkuralennu santhoshapada arambirkkarathu kulla) You know i also write few songs with tamil words for singing for her crush nnu sonnalo illayo..... I was dumbstruck. 

I think girls now-a-days are like this ah illa, whole generation eh ithu thaana nnu.....

Ithula highlight ennannaa, while having dinner, Pa casually asked I also have crush on Mango who is our class prefect but i also like Strawberry who is his friend, what shall i do nnu......

Naan mayakkam podatha korathaan........ Pa its fine to like somebody but you should stop talking about it all the time and just concentrate on your studies and it would not be a big problem for you thenn nnu oru vazhiya samalichchu topic close pannen.

When i was relaying this to aathu, he said ' we definitely are not moving to Mumbai.... Chennai kke ithu thaan nelama nna avvalavuthaannu''

Valentine's day

 After marriage, we never really celebrated the Valentines day. For that thing, before marriage also, we never really bothered.

Maybe beginning la, 1 or 2 years - i remember the first gift - it was a small kutty dog in a golden chair and a musical card ( appollaam archies musical card was craze and it was quite costly)

Then i think, once he got me a silver chain. 

Athukku apparam ellame maranthu pochu. 

This year ennamo aathukku bayangara love.... He has been talking about Valentines day from the beginning of this month and asked me to order a saree. And i just went through couple of instagram pages and some websites and sent him a link saying ' you choose a saree and surprise me'

Previous week he messaged saying everyone is saying 5-6 days minimum delivery period, and what shall we do? We decided finally that we shall get one once he comes here to Chennai. And i just forgot about the whole episode.

Today he was acting so strange over phone and i didnt have a clue. And when i went to pick Pa from school, he called saying where are you and when will you reach home? I thought he wanted to speak something important.

Came home and called him and he said - poi ethirthaakku poi oru parcel vangikkonnu. Ore asadu vazhinjathu.......... I was laughing and went and knocked. And that uncle had gone for walking....( Antha character oru thani kathai - will blog about this person later)

And when he finally came back - i went and knocked and that Uncle was smiling sheepishly and since it was a Manyavar box assumed i had ordered something for aathu for Valentines day........

Bayangara joke ah - Avarukku order panni irunthelaannnu ore vazhisal...... Bayangara comedy ya..inithe valentines day niraivadainthathu

Ithula highlight ah  P came and saw the saree and asked enna unakku gift ah nnu. Both P and Pa got miffed ... Avangalukku ore jealousy and P announced that he was going out on Sunday nnu....

Ithukku enna solrathu

Pa chronicles -I

 Sometimes I feel, i should have atleast recorded the chronicles of Pa regularly somewhere if not the blog, elsewhere. 

Now, when i read the posts of P, it feels so good to revisit those memories. Its like time travel, where you experience the same feel once again. The environment in which i wrote those posts and the way P was those days comes back.

Today Morning just was having this conversation with Pa. She was asking about my schedule for the day and I was saying that I have 12th ISC class in the morning and evening the CBSE batch. Then she was asking me about the early morning class. I was saying it was the combined class where i do revision about specific topics which i record through zoom and save in drive for their reference for exams.

Then she had this doubt, why we dont have any uniform system and why we should have different syllabus like ISC , CBSE, IB etc. I said yes, we can have. When your father becomes PM you change the system and pray that he has to become PM.

She was silent and staring at me for few seconds and retorted saying, Why shouldnt I? I was literally taken back and was speechless for a moment. Then , i said yes. you can. 

Within that sort span, she started ranting, why you always support men and boys etc etc, Though i didnt mean anything by the statement , i immediately apologised and said yes, you can also become PM. And lets start by getting ready for school on time.

What say :)

Whatsapp Status

 I have been keeping Whatsapp Status for the past 4 years. What started as a motivational process for my students became my identity.

One way its addictive because you keep checking the number of views and the viewers just like the good olden blog days.

Then, I figured out that there have been minimum 50 people who religiously check my status. (athaiyum pakkaraangalennu oru santhosham)

Mine is usually based on my mood on that day. There are multiple advantages in keeping Whatsapp status.

1. It acts as a message to my aathu / P. Pa is very smart, she doesnt care.

Whenever i wanted to convey anything to aathu / P i just keep it as a status.

2. Mostly mine is motivational and positive messages. 

3. More often it is funny. 

4. I like to keep it simple - just 1 sentence but sometimes it can be short videos

5. Never ever i have shared the common Good morning or Happy deepavali or Happy new year message

6. My whatsapp status is not religious or nationalistic messages

99% it is messages conveyed to Aathu.

IT FEELS SO GOOD, WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT AND SAY THEY LOOK FORWARD EVERYDAY FOR MY STATUS MESSAGE AND IT KEEPS THEM MOTIVATING AND FEEL GOOD.

If it is some sort of addiction, then i dont mind having that addiction. 

My most favourite is this

Back to Self

 Well, now iam back to self. Yesterday was too overwhelming and little cry party solved everything. I dont like to shed tears in front of anyone. And I never cry. If its too much to handle, a little cry party always helps and i find my balance after that.

Now, i just prayed God to give me peace - more than anything thats important i think. Anyways i take my responsibility seriously and work hard and that always takes care of the rest.

But, Am i happy. Happiness cannot be defined i suppose. Iam filled with gratitude for the family i have and the kids iam surrounded with. So, why bother with other things and worry. Iam as such happy without involvement in the family politics. So, why am i worrying about the extended family.

This is the gyan i received at the end of cry party.

Well, i have recorded this for posterity where i can come back and receive the same gyan when i feel the same in the future.

Journaling

I think i have to control my social media addiction. I have been doing this mindless scrolling whenever i have time. It is so addictive. Its like i need to look at something while eating or simply sitting. 

I went through a post while doing this mindless scrolling which talked about people needing continuous  noise at the background. They dont want silence at all. Silence is so scary that they require either the music or the social media or TV at the background.

When i heard that, it felt scary. Iam literally doing these things. When i work i need something in the background. I either listen to Amazon music or connect to youtube in my TV and go to some mix and play that. Why did i change like this?

I was a person who was so content gazing at the clouds in the terrace or looking at passerby just standing in my balcony. The house I grew up was either full of people or it was literally empty with just me and my grandmother. Till my grandfathers death, we were joint family. (my mom's father) And i grew up with my grandparents. My mom was only daughter and she had 5 brothers. So, when she passed away I was the apple of their eye.

But, it has its cons. My maamis didnt like this. I can understand their feelings now. Slowly, it turned into aversion i guess. They got so pissed off by the attention i was getting from my paatti and thaatha. 

So, the love-hate relationship continued till my thatha was there and it was only hate once he passed away.

Till i was in 5th, 3 of my uncles were away from Chennai, so my holidays would be at their place. It was fun. I was very obedient and quiet girl (no choice) i suppose. But, living away from your comfort zone prepared me well to deal with adverse situations which came later in the life. I think those taught me to deal with all kinds of people and adjust. 

After my 5th std , my uncles came to live with us in the joint family. So, during holidays everyone would leave to their grandparents place, where as i would be left behind in the empty house.

My paatti didnt feel the need to engage me like we do now. We engage our children or rather we dont want them to disturb us , so we either give them mobile or gadgets or put them in some classes i think. We didnt even give them the opportunity to let them be on their own i suppose. 

Thats why they are unable to cope with silence. P and Pa need either music or reels or some form of noise always. 

Iam planning hereafter to restrict not by force but by getting their participation by being an example Lets see how this works out.

As usual i started with a different topic in my mind and ended up writing something different. 

Let me atlease mention what i intended to write - it was gratitude - When i first thought this, the first thing that came to my mind was - I felt grateful for the food cooked by my Cook A. 

Sometimes, i would be compelled to think of all the expenses involved and think that i should cook by myself and clean the house by scheduling my time properly and by this way can save few thousands.

But, something changed that thought. I started seeing engaging people for these work as an investment and giving back.

I can now concentrate more on my work and give my best and also by engaging them iam contributing to their growth too. I am not a strict officer and i try to understand from their point of view even if they dont turn up now and then (people will start bashing me saying - do you consider yourself doing favour and think yourself as god for allowing them and all) Please listen - when i say dont turn up now and then means - my maid took 5 days holiday in the first week of jan saying her mother passed away and second week for 3 days for attending the 10th week ritual and 8 days for pongal. No, this not because of her mother and not a one time thing. This happens all the months but the reason would be different. So, out of 30 days, she woud eventually turn up only for 15 days at the max, and another one whom i know for quite few years and due to her ailment agreed to come for alternate days for sweeping and mopping. That also would be sporadic - max 2 days a week due to other reasons. But i pay for 1 month. 

Sometimes i wonder, why iam unable to dictate terms or be strict with them or why cant i look for another person. I still dont know the answer. Maybe because i didnt want them to suffer. Or do I think the world revolves around me . Theriyala.

Dear Diary-II

 When iam upset or something nags me, i just go to the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes. It just is a vent for me. Iam a very private person. The only person who knows in and out is my aathu. I dont share somethings with aathu, not because it is private or secretive but he would feel bad or he would then take some hasty decisions.

Sometimes I feel, why i should endure all these things. It is not self pity, but how else would you describe a person who has literally no one to share anything or no one to lean except aathu. I know and understand he is also like that, but atleast he has his brother (though only sporadic communication) - atleast someone who cares genuinely about him and who is blood related. 

I think i might have something in my past life to have this kind of scenario - only child - no mother - father who is not bothered but happily living his life with his family and who sends good morning and good night messages (i dont respond). Sometimes, it hits hard when i think i dont have anyone apart from aathu who really cares about me. Noone, to relieve childhood memories or talk about anything associated with childhood.

Previously when my paatti used to have difference of opinion with my uncles, she used to say - u think i dont have anyone , i will call my brother and sister ( she had a bunch of them). Not that i have any problem with aathu. But, if i say this to aathu, he would immediately say, ok, i will stop taking to my brother ( he takes things literally) . What he doesnt understand is that i am not jealous or something or possessive, its just that feelings which sometimes crops unannounced and make you so disturbed.

I know i have to think positive thoughts and not give room for all these stuffs, but sometimes it just crops up. Hmm, should work on this. That's why i always like to keep myself busy without having to think about unnecessary thoughts. But, are these unnecessary thoughts really .............