Indebtedness

The very thought is killing me. I donot know how long i would be able to manage. It leaves me with a kind of crap feel which questions the utter sanity of life. It constantly reminds of the persona u r as been stated by various persons constantly drumming up in the mind - orphan. Isnt a strange thing when one refers though u r left with father who blissfully ignores your traumas and the feelings and leads his life as any other person.
When the son of the mother, d-i-l's and the father of the person happily forget their responsibilities why should I alone let it go to my heart and rather not mind. Is anything fundamentally wrong? Why can't I be settled in my life with no frills or whatsoever like my contemporaries living abroad by occasionally staying in touch with facebook or orkut or skype for that matter. Should i be the one who carry the torch all along. Sometimes the gratitude and the repayment feeling overshadows the real love and affection and i am afraid that at sometime it might turned into hatred. It is indeed a tricky situation where u r not the affected party but somehow all the burden lies on your head. I know iam sounding like a moron with this post. The thing is this is like my outburst where you can go on ranting without the need to explain.
I am badly in need of some vent where i can be who iam without the nagging worry - What he/she would think? Will this affect them? I think the only person you can be who you are is ur mother- I miss you amma. Though the memory is very vague i relish them and the need didnt arise for me till i was in my teens. Now i miss so much.

Sleep

Actual Sleep vida the state before getting into deep sleep / the stage after you are out of sleep but not out of slumber - thaaan romba best moments. Intha moments school life/college life la thaaan anubavikka mudiyum - cos leave podarthu namba ishtam thaaana.
Later period depends on so many other external factors like
- school for P (avana vida namakku thaan bayangara tension for the van and esp innaikku enna lunch and snacks appadinnu decide panrathu)
- office for the aathukarar (ingeyum bfast thaan prechanai lunch kooda choice la vittudalaaam)
- our own office where our presence is essential on that particular day (eppayoo office porathunaala we cannot say no here)
- paalkaari (annaikkuthaan avalukku avasiyamaaa kanakku paarka vendi irukkum esp sundays)
- annaikkinnu test kku kaaga padikkara thambi (ennoda exam kke kan muzhichathillai, bt coffee pottu kudukkanume vera vazhi illa)
- kaarthalaye ezhunthukkara MIL (eppayanum thaan varaaanga so atleast appayaanum seekiram ezhunthirukkara maathiri scene poda vendi irukke)
All the above is for morning sleep naaa, afternoon nap especially after giving food to P and once again bath pannittu saapta peragu thookkam bayangarama kanna sokkara nerathula vara villains yaarunnna
- ithuleyum first place P kku thaaaan (amma vaa robot pannalaam, ammaaaaaaa seekiram vaa intha tamil ennannu padichu sollu, ammaaaaaaaa thanni venum... ippadi never-ending)
- seri to counter the above P thoonga vekkalaamna , classes irukke
- Courier (ithu romba bayangaramaana prechanai- athuvum pakkathu veettu courier)
- illatha oruthara thedi varavanga - enna sonnalum kekka maattanga- kadasila namba jathagatha kuduthaa thaan povaanga
- rombavum friendly neighbours
- over paasamana aathukarar ( oooh thoongariya seri poi thoongu naan disturb pannala appadinnu call senju pesittu solvar)
- iron amma
So without the above i want to sleep but not actually sleep aanaal day-dreaming with a good book and music in the back ground.

Rehabilitation

While giving food to P, aathukarar always insists on one point. You should not waste food. If you leave the food/drink, then it would cry while you are draining it in the sink. It would feel "P doesnt like me, he is wasting me". Also, we make it a point to show him the people on the road to emphasize the point. He would bombard us with questions. Why these people are homeless? Why are they not going to work? Why they didnt study? Why they dont have a job?
While i answer some questions in simplified terms , somethings cannot be explained. And finally he declared - "Amma, can i give them the money from my piggy bank?" "Naan periyavanana vodane velaikku poi panam sambathichu avangalukku kudukka poren"
I was speechless for a moment. Emotions ranging from pride to astonishment played in its glory. At the same time some concepts also need to be explained to him. Now-a-days begging is a thriving industry in its own sphere next to education, medical and food domain.
Recently , i came upon this announcement in Hindu - Begging is to be eradicated in the city and these people are to be sent to rehabilitation centres. The reason being not to improve the standard of life of these people but them being hindrance to the flow of traffic at major points. This is from the mayor of Chennai. I wonder how far it can be achieved in reality. It really needs a long term vision and proper planning.
Though some people are genuinely helpless and are being driven to this extremity , some are lazy and view this as easy route of making money. This reminds me of the case i read about in bangalore. I dont think this concerns only India but an universal problem. Though i crib from the comfort of my home, wish to do something.

Guilty

I always have this annoying habit of blaming myself for everything. P is not well for the past one month, i mean he is on and off. He is suffering with cold and cough and occasional bouts of fever. And so the doctors visits have become a routine. He is actually confused about the reason, and is experimenting on various causes... At first it was due to adenoids and tonsilitis and we got it removed during last May. And now he says he is prone to allergy and also he has sinusitis. But he was okay for the past 6 months , i mean there were disturbances but not this severe.
Whenever he gets non-stop coughs , i feel helpless and when he says "mudiyala amma" i feel impotent. I have changed the bed from normal one to the foam as suggested and have been cleaning the house like a maniac . I give him warm water only and medicines have become a part of the diet itself. But, he is active and insists on going to school.
I imagine all sorts of things and would blame myself for not taking proper care. Ist because i spend so much time browsing or reading novels when i should be cleaning and thinking about preparing healthy foods for him.
Initially he took all the vegetables and fruits but later after falling sick for about a month refused to take or even for that matter touch them except potato. Ist because i introduced plastic and rubber veggies to him to play with. ( i think since we caution him about not keeping them in his mouth, he developed some sort of phobia - ippadiyellam kooda yosikka mudiyumaannu kekkatheenga - iam in a pathetic state) .
And suddenly there comes a note from his school regarding the children's health which says "IMPROPER DIET". Should i take this literally. Actually, even i was like him during my childhood days, literally grew up on Nei satham and thayir saatham. Ippadiyellam aaruthal paduthikka vendiyathuthaaan.

Fasting.....

Today is my fil's srartham, and only when iam fasting, hunger strikes me more.....Athuvum, when the samaiyal is ready with mouth-watering dishes, especially when you yourself are preparing them..... Nejammave testing times....
Usually, i dont feel like eating break-fast, its been practiced rite from schooldays. Hey, dieting ellam illa, athukkum namakkum romba thooram...bt just iam tuned, i know it is a wrong practice.
But i make sure aathukarar and P are having their break-fast....
Aanaa, innaikku mattum illa, during varalakshmi vratham, karadaiyar nonbu and all other where iam required to fast, rombavume pasikkum....
Waiting for Bil's call , which he would give once the srartham is over... Guilty :(

Another rambling

Right now, iam experiencing whole lot of emotions....I cannot particularly describe them cos , everything comes and goes as in a slide show... anger, frustration, disappointment, relief and a sort of histrionics...
It all started when my aathukarar announced his plan to go out of station. Not that he is going for the first time... He has been away for weeks together even. Bt this time, i didnt even like it a bit. Bt the thing was i didnt want to say "No" on the face of it and secretly prayed and hoped for the last minute cancellation. Bt nothing happened and everything was under control. Not even a last minute meeting or tender or an appointment came to my rescue. When i learned that the flight was delayed , i was happy and hoped that it would get cancelled. Alas , nothing happened.......
I desperately wanted him to be home by sunday so that we could attend a marriage of his cousin. Even we haven't been to their engagement and all the curses stand on me. Its not that i mind going alone, bt i altogether avoid going alone without his presence to any of the functions on his side . (a boon that comes with love marriage)
And now he says it gets to extend to one more week..........I do not know whether i should take this positively and say " everything is for good" or just indulge in self pity and throw tantrums (of course silent ah thaaaan)
(The Uncanny - this post is surely not for you)