COCKTAIL OF EMOTIONS

 Just last post i wrote about dealing with extremes.

My grandmother passed away the day before diwali. I have been experiencing mixture of emotions. I was very cold initially. I couldn't accept the reality. Its been a journey of 43 years together and she is  like a constant in my life. Whatever i speak, shout or scold or crib - she was my outlet but when all of a sudden it happened i was so numb.

One thing which i keep telling myself was - she didnt suffer at all. She passed away quite suddenly. It was instant and she didnt fall sick or bedridden . She was 94. And what more i can ask for.

Still sometimes i feel guilty , sad, overwhelming, cold , relieved - all like a cocktail.

Hope, i start living my life - keeping myself as a priority.

Random thoughts-1

I was randomly going through the posts of other bloggers and it was nostalgic and it was very much emotional too to read the comments and bring back the memories associated with it.

As i have stated earlier , none in my dear and near circle knows about my blog and i like to use this blog as my diary sort of thing. I now wonder on my much good for nothing posts and sweet nothings and most of them about P. 

Where has that person gone, now i dont have time to just sit and enjoy a good book or day dream by just lying on the bed and listening to songs.

My mind always jumps on the next thing and the other thing to complete. My schedule is jam packed and iam always on toes. Yes, partly its for money,(if not here where can i be honest) and the other is i dont want to think anything. I would like to keep myself busy.

I was reading a post about depression. And yes , i know iam on the verge, maybe i should go for professional help. Its very difficult to deal with people in various extreme spectrums

My grandmother - 94 extreme dementia ( in the beginning it was not duty but affection later it turned out to be duty and now its extremely hard to cope up) . Though my mind accepts that it is a different scenario , the events which lead to this state where i feel conned and my true affection was taken for granted and i was literally used puts my back up and what remains is now just a cold duty.

The other extreme is pre-adult son whos is in his last stage of teen and you got to be always on your wits end to cope up. I think it is extremely difficult to be a mother to this x-gen kids. You have to be a friend and responsible parent as well and be the caretaker of previous generation too.

And not to be left behind my daughter who is just 9 years old (and its like ippave kanna kattuthe) this is more sophisticated version 2.0 and very delicately to be handled. 

All this literally taking a toll on my health both physically and mentally and not to mention the job challenges in dealing with various statutory departments and my other job involves students of 12th.

ONCE I REMEMBER , WHEN P WAS GOING TO SCHOOL , DURING 2010 OR 2011, AFTER SENDING HIM TO SCHOOL - MY ROUTINE WOULD BE COOK, WATCH SOME ENGLISH MOVIE IN STAR MOVIES OR HBO AND HAVE LUNCH AND JUST LIE DOWN WITH FM IN THE BACKGROUND , WAITING FOR P TO COME HOME. AT THAT TIME, I WAS THINKING HOW MY LIFE IS SO MUNDANE. NOTHING ADVENTUROUS OR INTERESTING.

WHAT NOT I WOULD GIVE TO GO BACK TO THAT OLD LIFE. SIGH

ITHUKKUTHAAN PAATHU WISH PANNANUMNU SOLRATHU. SO MUCH FOR ADVENTURE