Journaling

I think i have to control my social media addiction. I have been doing this mindless scrolling whenever i have time. It is so addictive. Its like i need to look at something while eating or simply sitting. 

I went through a post while doing this mindless scrolling which talked about people needing continuous  noise at the background. They dont want silence at all. Silence is so scary that they require either the music or the social media or TV at the background.

When i heard that, it felt scary. Iam literally doing these things. When i work i need something in the background. I either listen to Amazon music or connect to youtube in my TV and go to some mix and play that. Why did i change like this?

I was a person who was so content gazing at the clouds in the terrace or looking at passerby just standing in my balcony. The house I grew up was either full of people or it was literally empty with just me and my grandmother. Till my grandfathers death, we were joint family. (my mom's father) And i grew up with my grandparents. My mom was only daughter and she had 5 brothers. So, when she passed away I was the apple of their eye.

But, it has its cons. My maamis didnt like this. I can understand their feelings now. Slowly, it turned into aversion i guess. They got so pissed off by the attention i was getting from my paatti and thaatha. 

So, the love-hate relationship continued till my thatha was there and it was only hate once he passed away.

Till i was in 5th, 3 of my uncles were away from Chennai, so my holidays would be at their place. It was fun. I was very obedient and quiet girl (no choice) i suppose. But, living away from your comfort zone prepared me well to deal with adverse situations which came later in the life. I think those taught me to deal with all kinds of people and adjust. 

After my 5th std , my uncles came to live with us in the joint family. So, during holidays everyone would leave to their grandparents place, where as i would be left behind in the empty house.

My paatti didnt feel the need to engage me like we do now. We engage our children or rather we dont want them to disturb us , so we either give them mobile or gadgets or put them in some classes i think. We didnt even give them the opportunity to let them be on their own i suppose. 

Thats why they are unable to cope with silence. P and Pa need either music or reels or some form of noise always. 

Iam planning hereafter to restrict not by force but by getting their participation by being an example Lets see how this works out.

As usual i started with a different topic in my mind and ended up writing something different. 

Let me atlease mention what i intended to write - it was gratitude - When i first thought this, the first thing that came to my mind was - I felt grateful for the food cooked by my Cook A. 

Sometimes, i would be compelled to think of all the expenses involved and think that i should cook by myself and clean the house by scheduling my time properly and by this way can save few thousands.

But, something changed that thought. I started seeing engaging people for these work as an investment and giving back.

I can now concentrate more on my work and give my best and also by engaging them iam contributing to their growth too. I am not a strict officer and i try to understand from their point of view even if they dont turn up now and then (people will start bashing me saying - do you consider yourself doing favour and think yourself as god for allowing them and all) Please listen - when i say dont turn up now and then means - my maid took 5 days holiday in the first week of jan saying her mother passed away and second week for 3 days for attending the 10th week ritual and 8 days for pongal. No, this not because of her mother and not a one time thing. This happens all the months but the reason would be different. So, out of 30 days, she woud eventually turn up only for 15 days at the max, and another one whom i know for quite few years and due to her ailment agreed to come for alternate days for sweeping and mopping. That also would be sporadic - max 2 days a week due to other reasons. But i pay for 1 month. 

Sometimes i wonder, why iam unable to dictate terms or be strict with them or why cant i look for another person. I still dont know the answer. Maybe because i didnt want them to suffer. Or do I think the world revolves around me . Theriyala.

Dear Diary-II

 When iam upset or something nags me, i just go to the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes. It just is a vent for me. Iam a very private person. The only person who knows in and out is my aathu. I dont share somethings with aathu, not because it is private or secretive but he would feel bad or he would then take some hasty decisions.

Sometimes I feel, why i should endure all these things. It is not self pity, but how else would you describe a person who has literally no one to share anything or no one to lean except aathu. I know and understand he is also like that, but atleast he has his brother (though only sporadic communication) - atleast someone who cares genuinely about him and who is blood related. 

I think i might have something in my past life to have this kind of scenario - only child - no mother - father who is not bothered but happily living his life with his family and who sends good morning and good night messages (i dont respond). Sometimes, it hits hard when i think i dont have anyone apart from aathu who really cares about me. Noone, to relieve childhood memories or talk about anything associated with childhood.

Previously when my paatti used to have difference of opinion with my uncles, she used to say - u think i dont have anyone , i will call my brother and sister ( she had a bunch of them). Not that i have any problem with aathu. But, if i say this to aathu, he would immediately say, ok, i will stop taking to my brother ( he takes things literally) . What he doesnt understand is that i am not jealous or something or possessive, its just that feelings which sometimes crops unannounced and make you so disturbed.

I know i have to think positive thoughts and not give room for all these stuffs, but sometimes it just crops up. Hmm, should work on this. That's why i always like to keep myself busy without having to think about unnecessary thoughts. But, are these unnecessary thoughts really .............

Ride gyan-1

          

My thinking goes overboard while riding my two-wheeler. Sometimes, i would imagine some situations and wish it to happen. Otherwise, i would try to hum some song. But of late, all philosophical thoughts only.

I was thinking why should i try to be a superwoman who would excel in everything. I came across this shorts in instagram, where a lady was saying, people judge me when i hire a maid or cook. They think i should do everything and why is she wasting money. But, actually it helps me to focus better on my job and i can improvise myself.

It actually got me into thinking. Even i have a cook and maid. Though i pay them considerably, sometimes i would think if i do those things myself i can save that money. But, then those days when they are on leave without notice, i just get into panic mode. Iam literally clueless on what i am going to do.. This happens only if it is my cook. I suddenly feel i cant survive without her. Then i try to calm myself and then get into action. Sometimes, i cook just rice and get all the sambar, rasam and koottu from sangeetha.

But, when she is on leave with advance notice, i plan my day and do all the work like clockwork, this is when i get overboard and cocky and think i handle everything on my own. But, after a week of doing everything on my own , the relief i feel when i see her face cannot be described in words :)

Also, why should i try to be a superwoman, I studied CA to work and earn money. And iam working non-stop, practicing part time and also taking classes. Apart from this i have to pick and drop Pa in school and all the classes. And sit with her for projects, and studies and private Hindi exam. And also do grocery shopping and veggies shopping, pay bills -  though all these are online - planning and keeping track literally makes me exhausted.

And all through this i worry iam not giving healthy food by myself and depending on cook. 

But, today i had this gyan - Why should i try to be a superwoman with million hands taking care of everything. Iam doing my best and giving more than 100%. I can handle only this much. When they reach their maturity level, they will eat sensibly or even if not I can only do so much. So, why iam putting everything on my head. Ithe velaiya pochu enakku, as if everything is dependent on me nnu nenaikkarthe. 

Parenting

 Today I saw a post from popular makeup artist in Instagram (asmitha). I have been following her for a while, not that iam into Makeup. I dont mean to degrade makeup and all, just that its not my cup of tea. Iam very lethargic when it comes to self grooming and tend to ignore. Its not something iam proud of. But which i want to change over time.

Ok, coming back to the post. Long back, there was a post where the kid breaks perfume in airport in a store and the mom calmly pacifies the child and pays for the broken perfume bottle.

There was so much controversy over this. First of all, who are we to judge. Just because it is in social media, each and every person cannot take the mantle and pass their comments. If you are that vetti, please utilise your time to do something productive or still talk about right of expression, then she also has the same right. Its her child and she can do whatever she wants. 

There is no universal rule for parenting. Each person handles to their best and donot jump immediately and give unsolicited advices. You dont know anything about the child's condition or the environment they are in. Their parents know better on handling their child. This was actually the topic i wanted to discuss in the first line.

She shared her experience in todays post (05.12.24-in my feed) and below there was a note saying ' Not inviting unsolicited advices from gentle parenting torch bearers' Not in the same words though :)

I loved it.

Travel

 I didnt travel out of Chennai, but just from Besant nagar to Greams Road. Athukke travel nnu Title because it felt like forever. (i dont like to think about bangalore at all . Aathu suggested going to bangalore for birthday which falls during year end, i was like strict no and after this episode - no means no thaan)

First time, i didnt nondify mobile while travelling and was parakku paathufying people and the places. I have been of late reading this again and again somewhere - please learn to sit still, without doing anything meaning - without speaking to anyone or most important not to look into one's mobile or others also for that matter.

This experience was like that - I was looking at a fellow aunty - who was coming near our cab for about 1 km talking in her mobile - ithula enna vishayam na - though she had her car window - her voice was audible outside. She didnt realise and was talking ( not happily though , think it was an official call). Everyone were looking at her while crossing but she was blissfully unaware. Antha eraichal layum her voice was audible , athuthaan highlight - morning 9.30 traffic adyar bridge.

Then, another aunty in her two-wheeler trying to balance her dupatta and bag and with a very big helmet navigating among the autos and the fellow two-wheelers who were rushing to catch something or the other. Though i was in a hurry, i was watching all these unfold. It was like watching drama unfold when u are just a spectator but not a participant. Because everyone were participating in that.

I was trying to guess each of their story - ok, that uncle is going to office and he is the CEO there, because of his foreign car and that Aunty was wearing a suit, so she must be some advertisement consultant or architect going to client place. 

On the whole, it was different. Actual ah naan onnum solla varala, just recording my thoughts :)

Ok, the point is i went to a seminar where the food is free and knowledge is charged. 

Methu vadai and tea for morning snack

Phulka paneer butter masala, Pulav , sambar sadam , pappadam and curd rice

Samosa and tea - evening snack

Ellam mudichutu came back  to home.

Only to find Pa not well and vomiting . 

So, buttermilk vendhayam ellam kuduthu bed kku anuppittu, listening to amazon prime playlist and writing this post.

Random thoughts-I

 Saturdays are my hectic days. Need to drop and pick Pa from school and this takes to and fro twice and apart from that Hindi class and again this also to and fro twice. So, literally I travel to the same place four times.

So, appadi oru prayanam bothu vantha random thought. I was just watching the pedestrians while waiting in the signal. They were wearing different kind of clothes. 

Some were casually dressed and others took care and some others didnt even care. Iam actually a stranger and i have no idea whether that dress is new or worn 100 times. 

Same with my case, people who see me will not remember anything. Atleast in my case, iam so bad in remembering costumes or jewellery. So, why should i spend more money on clothes. My only weakness is clothes. I have this habit of visiting various sites and adding to their cart and just watching all these instagram saree shops.

And I wonder at the number of people doing business in instagram, Are there really so many people who buy sarees and if so, will they be buying every month. How are these businesses surviving and what would be their profit margin. 

Because there are many shops from udumulpet or erode or namakkal where we wouldnt even step if we visit those areas. And here in Chennai itself we are very much brand conscious and every time visit the same Nalli or Westside ( my current favourite)

Apart from all the above, i was thinking about the dresses i bought during my childhood and those which were special.

One such is a sky blue frock which i remember very well because i went to VGP with my mama who is just 15 years old than me and with whom i grew up and also my mama's athai ponnu whom i call akka.

It was a very nice outing because we got to ride almost all the rides free, Reason being one of my mama's friend was working there and we even got a picture with me holding a big balloon.

And the next one is a pink salwar when i was in 3rd std which my another mama and mami got for me. It was my first salwar with a dupatta which I was proudly flaunting.

Those days, we got dresses only for occasions like deepavali and birthdays and not even pongal.

That feel is missing somehow. But, i got the same feel recently when i went to treat myself after the full  batch i taught got 95+. I just went on my own without aathu or kids and shopped which was my first experience. It was very special to buy something without any occasion and to celebrate. It felt just so good.

Dear Diary - I

 Yesterday was aathu's birthday. He was unable to come home. He is in Mumbai. So, me P and Pa wished him at 12 and we had some fun conversation.

Also, his elder brother's wedding anniversary too falls on the same date . Sometimes ,  I wonder whether his father intentionally chose this date to maintain some eternal connection between the brothers.

What happened during that wedding is another story.

I like to wish people irrespective of whether they do the same for me. I always donot forget their birthdays and wedding anniversaries. This has been my habit.

Why all these stories because i got hurt badly yesterday. I donot know whether it was intentional or just akkairai from him(the brother). I wished both manni and anna separately and received the Thank you message immediately from anna also adding that he wish that his brother has a peaceful and healthy birthday.

I learnt later that he wished him early in the morning with simple Happy birthday. But, why this long message for me. I felt may be he is pointing me that he is not peaceful and healthy because of me or he wish i give him all those things or he blames me for those things. All these have been circling my mind yesterday and suddenly i felt i have no one to care or to even share feelings with. 

I strongly wish for my mother at these times and curse god for not giving me a father who doesnt bother about me but happily living with his other family. 

I know all these are thoughts due to periods but sometimes i get so overwhelmed.

IAM ALSO A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS.