Dear Diary - I

 Yesterday was aathu's birthday. He was unable to come home. He is in Mumbai. So, me P and Pa wished him at 12 and we had some fun conversation.

Also, his elder brother's wedding anniversary too falls on the same date . Sometimes ,  I wonder whether his father intentionally chose this date to maintain some eternal connection between the brothers.

What happened during that wedding is another story.

I like to wish people irrespective of whether they do the same for me. I always donot forget their birthdays and wedding anniversaries. This has been my habit.

Why all these stories because i got hurt badly yesterday. I donot know whether it was intentional or just akkairai from him(the brother). I wished both manni and anna separately and received the Thank you message immediately from anna also adding that he wish that his brother has a peaceful and healthy birthday.

I learnt later that he wished him early in the morning with simple Happy birthday. But, why this long message for me. I felt may be he is pointing me that he is not peaceful and healthy because of me or he wish i give him all those things or he blames me for those things. All these have been circling my mind yesterday and suddenly i felt i have no one to care or to even share feelings with. 

I strongly wish for my mother at these times and curse god for not giving me a father who doesnt bother about me but happily living with his other family. 

I know all these are thoughts due to periods but sometimes i get so overwhelmed.

IAM ALSO A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS.

Weirdo

 Sometimes, i wonder, Am i a weirdo. 

In this current scenario of Prime, Netflix and whatnot, I haven't watched a single series but for one such which had Lakshmi and Madhubala. SWEET , KARAM AND COFFEE. I like lakshmi a lot and when the trailer came i was waiting for the release date and finished the series in one go.

Maybe that anxiety is what stopping me from watching series. I don't have control when it comes to certain things. Like if i start a book, i have to complete it , no matter what. I will read the whole night and be like a zombie the next day. And not to mention i read the last page after few minutes into the book.

Same thing with respect to movies. I see wikipedia for the plot and the story before watching any movie and it always creates a big war in our household. P doesnt like us revealing anything. He will not even allow us to discuss any movie and when i say discussion we are not allowed to even put forth our guesses.

And he wants to watch the movie from the beginning. Beginning means right from the first frame. It so happened when Vikram (the current one ) released, we booked for 1st day early morning show right before his 12th boards. And the previous night we were just discussing about the film. And aathu during the conversation casually mentioned, i think kamal would die in the film. Thats it. All hell broke loose. P started shouting - why did you say - You have spoiled everything - thats why i dont talk to you at all. 

And me being me, simply said - you have crossed your limit and as a punishment we are not going to the movie. Next day i stood my ground and we didnt go at all. 

I know i was being egoistic and stood sparring with him equally but somethings need to be emphasized to the children. Neraiya samayathula they test your patience, Ithu intha chamathu P ya , Kaanbathu kanava allathu nejamma nnu kooda neraiya doubts vanthirukku.

I think thats the thing with modern parenting. You oscillate like thirisangu sorgam between gentle parenting and the need to teach them discipline and manners.

I think by the time Pa comes to teens , thalaiyla oru mudi kooda minjaathunnu nenaikkaren.

I KNOW I ALWAYS START A TOPIC AND MOVE ON TO SOME OTHER THING.

Independence

 I have never been to hill station. Iam serious. Past 2 years only i have been travelling independently.... Though not alone it was very liberating.

Before marriage, always have travelled with uncles / aunts / grandmother. Only once that too for school excursion went to trichy and tanjavur. Even the travelling reduced to nil after my uncles moved from different towns to Chennai when i was 10. Before that went to mostly temples or relatives houses. Never once for sightseeing. 

When my cousins went to Ooty or kodaikkanal or Mysore - It was like a dream. Once my Uncle while returning from sabarimala gave us a choice in Madurai - antha side palani intha side kodaikkanal enga polamnu - Ennoda keragam nnu kovai sarala sonna maathiri - my paatti chose palani. Avvalavuthaan athuvum buuusssss nnu pochu.

Seri after marriage honeymoon polamnu oru periya kanavu - But marriage la iruntha pala kozhapathula neraiya swamikku vendinathaala - romba poruppa went to Thirupathi along with my in-laws - athuve etho oru liberating ah irunthathu. After so many years i travelled.

Then, ore kadamai kannayiram - P happened and paatti at home - so was visiting only temples - short duration. Then for one of our anniversary made plans well in advance and went to Mysore for a quick trip - 2 nights and 3 days. 

Then again Agnayanavasam for 10 long years. Aathu was in Mumbai. After much hesitation and planning and we split ourselves and visited aathu in Mumbai. First P and Pa went to Mumbai with Aathu for 4 days and I was with paatti. Then P stayed as home and I went along with Pa to Mumbai. 

Wow - that was the freedom i was talking about in the first paragraph. Before that i was always accompanied by someone. First time i took Pa and went to Mumbai. It was frightening and at the same time exhilarating. Always i was treated like queen by my aathu. He will take care of everything. Checkin , luggage and everything and the last time was almost a decade ago. So, it was like all the more like first time. Going to the airport, checkin and boarding - ithuve enakku etho saathanai panna maathiri irunthathu.... Enakke enna paatha ore chirippu chirippa vanthathuu.... ithukke ivvalavu scene ah nnu.

I was thinking about my friends who traveled abroad for their UG even. Naano intha 40s la just oru Mumbai kke ivvalavu scene podrene nnu. 

Now my long time aasai fulfill agumnu nenaikkaren. Booked tickets to Madurai and Kodaikanal. Lets keep fingers crossed.

Now searching a good place to stay and for shopping. Google aandavare thunai. Paakkalam wanted to visit thirupparangunram too. P and Pa cooperate pannuvaangala nnu theriyala. ippove no kovil nnu solraanga parpom.

Passion

 Always right from my childhood, i love to teach. Iam so glad i acted upon it not for passion but out of compulsion. Actually i didnt choose CA as an ambition or something rather it was the only cheapest money making course.

So, when we underwent rough patches approx 8 years ago, teaching was the only option i had. As it had its perks. And again aathu was worried about the students cause those days the news was filled with students attacking the teacher and not to leave behind the teacher who eloped with an student (aathukku antha bayam laam illa chumma oru pechukkuthaan) . So he suggested taking classes for lower standards, but me being me changed the advertisement which i was supposed to give in the local newspaper in the last minute and conveniently blamed it on one aunty who accompanied me.

That was the best decision i made. From then on, its been a wonderful journey. Not only i earned but i got to interact with the students on a daily basis. Its so refreshing and boy it does have its moments when parents expect instant results like maggie or the jee boom baa . 

Once again the accounts paper got over and it still gives me high when children come and say happily that they did their exams well. That instant you forget the 8-10 hours which you had put every single day for the past 15 days not to mention the late zoom meetings (thanks to COVID) and the whatsapp doubts.

More than that when they hesitate to leave tearing up but not wanting to show it is the best moment. What more i can ask for. 

I think this is the only profession where you get so happy seeing others children perform i suppose.

It gets more special when the first batch still remember your birthday and bring cakes and when everyone wish you on teachers day.

Iam so much blessed to be surrounded by good people and iam forever thankful to God for guiding me whenever iam in crossroads. 

Friends meet

 Its not the Friends which was hyped few years ago. Though i can proudly agree, iam one of the few soul who didnt watch that series. I have heard ' ooooh aaaaah ohhhhhh ' about that, but still didnt have the inclination to watch

Coming back , met my friends after 10 years and wow i laughed a lot. It was no kids , no husband meet. I was bragging and making so much noise about this to my kids since the beginning of the month. P you should keep your day vetti and not fill with plans ( going out with friends or girlfriend) (konjam kooda vevasthaiye illatha amma) thats ok. And was saying  to Pa , you should get up and have your break fast and all. Aathu anyways was not in town , so innum vasathiyaa pochu.

Then sudden plan change. Aathu came for christmas holidays. Antha manushan paavam 2 days varisaiya leave irunthaalum will fly to Chennai. But, inga thaan vishayame, i have already planned, so cannot postpone my meet or can we say I didnt want to postpone the meet. So, intha pakkam aathu kitta romba kashtapadra wife maathiri, plan panniyaachu and i have work the other two days on which my friend is staying, enna pannattum? Can i postpone appadinnu overah scene pottu, illa illa , you go and come nnu avar solla, oru mini mega serial eh veetla odithu.

Finally, the day came. Aathu said i will drop you and  me and Pa will oorsuthify and u text me , i will come and pick you nnu. 

I was confused about my dressing, since it was more than 10 years, should it be formal or informal. Makeup or no-makeup ( namma makeup oru eyeliner and lipstick thaan), Finally decided, let me be comfortable and be myself. So, simple cotton salwar and less makeup. 

The moment i saw one of my friend coming in her vehicle - all of the 10 years flew away. It was as if there was no back - thats the beauty of school friendship right. No pretext, no judgement and nothing.

It was a laughter riot for whole of the 3 hours and the fun was the restaurant people didnt mind us and didnt even disturb us. It was to the point that we had to literally beg them to bring our lunch ( iruntha moonu per la nanga rendu per diabetic vera yaa) She was literally ayya kai kaal ellam nadunguthu konjam saappadu kudunga nnu.

We ordered onion rings and what came was doughtnut shaped onion rings in a stand. We ere like ithu ennathunnu. Naanga etho small ah oru vadam maathiri irukkum , namba style ah eduthu saapdalaam nnu paartha, ithu vaila vechu kadichu decent ah saapda avvalavu kashtama pochu.

Next, tawa fry paneer nnu sonna, mini poori kulla oru paneer filling vanthathu. Itha eppadi saapadrathu nnu yosichu yosichu seri poori maathiri saapadlammnu oru vazhiyaa saptachu.

Now for the main course, starters oru tragedy, ok, appadinnu my friend P - called the waiter and asked for kaaramana oru dish kudunga , ithu varaikkum ore chappu chappunnu irunthathunnu solla, avar mind voice la - aduppula potta melaga irukkunnu sollama brought pulav and mushroom gravy.

Diabetes patients naala - without desert meeting inithe niraivadainthathu........

There was a twist to the meeting in the beginning - athu romba personal - solla mudiyaathu - but it was an incident like - of all the places in chennai and of all these years ah nnu - nadantha oru vishayam.....

Namba olagam muzhukka famous ah - itha yaar padippannu theriyathu , so playing safe ......

hahahahha.........

I dont read my post once i write, so any grammatical mistakes, or if it doesnt make sense, pls forgive :)

COCKTAIL OF EMOTIONS

 Just last post i wrote about dealing with extremes.

My grandmother passed away the day before diwali. I have been experiencing mixture of emotions. I was very cold initially. I couldn't accept the reality. Its been a journey of 43 years together and she is  like a constant in my life. Whatever i speak, shout or scold or crib - she was my outlet but when all of a sudden it happened i was so numb.

One thing which i keep telling myself was - she didnt suffer at all. She passed away quite suddenly. It was instant and she didnt fall sick or bedridden . She was 94. And what more i can ask for.

Still sometimes i feel guilty , sad, overwhelming, cold , relieved - all like a cocktail.

Hope, i start living my life - keeping myself as a priority.

Random thoughts-1

I was randomly going through the posts of other bloggers and it was nostalgic and it was very much emotional too to read the comments and bring back the memories associated with it.

As i have stated earlier , none in my dear and near circle knows about my blog and i like to use this blog as my diary sort of thing. I now wonder on my much good for nothing posts and sweet nothings and most of them about P. 

Where has that person gone, now i dont have time to just sit and enjoy a good book or day dream by just lying on the bed and listening to songs.

My mind always jumps on the next thing and the other thing to complete. My schedule is jam packed and iam always on toes. Yes, partly its for money,(if not here where can i be honest) and the other is i dont want to think anything. I would like to keep myself busy.

I was reading a post about depression. And yes , i know iam on the verge, maybe i should go for professional help. Its very difficult to deal with people in various extreme spectrums

My grandmother - 94 extreme dementia ( in the beginning it was not duty but affection later it turned out to be duty and now its extremely hard to cope up) . Though my mind accepts that it is a different scenario , the events which lead to this state where i feel conned and my true affection was taken for granted and i was literally used puts my back up and what remains is now just a cold duty.

The other extreme is pre-adult son whos is in his last stage of teen and you got to be always on your wits end to cope up. I think it is extremely difficult to be a mother to this x-gen kids. You have to be a friend and responsible parent as well and be the caretaker of previous generation too.

And not to be left behind my daughter who is just 9 years old (and its like ippave kanna kattuthe) this is more sophisticated version 2.0 and very delicately to be handled. 

All this literally taking a toll on my health both physically and mentally and not to mention the job challenges in dealing with various statutory departments and my other job involves students of 12th.

ONCE I REMEMBER , WHEN P WAS GOING TO SCHOOL , DURING 2010 OR 2011, AFTER SENDING HIM TO SCHOOL - MY ROUTINE WOULD BE COOK, WATCH SOME ENGLISH MOVIE IN STAR MOVIES OR HBO AND HAVE LUNCH AND JUST LIE DOWN WITH FM IN THE BACKGROUND , WAITING FOR P TO COME HOME. AT THAT TIME, I WAS THINKING HOW MY LIFE IS SO MUNDANE. NOTHING ADVENTUROUS OR INTERESTING.

WHAT NOT I WOULD GIVE TO GO BACK TO THAT OLD LIFE. SIGH

ITHUKKUTHAAN PAATHU WISH PANNANUMNU SOLRATHU. SO MUCH FOR ADVENTURE