Independence

 I have never been to hill station. Iam serious. Past 2 years only i have been travelling independently.... Though not alone it was very liberating.

Before marriage, always have travelled with uncles / aunts / grandmother. Only once that too for school excursion went to trichy and tanjavur. Even the travelling reduced to nil after my uncles moved from different towns to Chennai when i was 10. Before that went to mostly temples or relatives houses. Never once for sightseeing. 

When my cousins went to Ooty or kodaikkanal or Mysore - It was like a dream. Once my Uncle while returning from sabarimala gave us a choice in Madurai - antha side palani intha side kodaikkanal enga polamnu - Ennoda keragam nnu kovai sarala sonna maathiri - my paatti chose palani. Avvalavuthaan athuvum buuusssss nnu pochu.

Seri after marriage honeymoon polamnu oru periya kanavu - But marriage la iruntha pala kozhapathula neraiya swamikku vendinathaala - romba poruppa went to Thirupathi along with my in-laws - athuve etho oru liberating ah irunthathu. After so many years i travelled.

Then, ore kadamai kannayiram - P happened and paatti at home - so was visiting only temples - short duration. Then for one of our anniversary made plans well in advance and went to Mysore for a quick trip - 2 nights and 3 days. 

Then again Agnayanavasam for 10 long years. Aathu was in Mumbai. After much hesitation and planning and we split ourselves and visited aathu in Mumbai. First P and Pa went to Mumbai with Aathu for 4 days and I was with paatti. Then P stayed as home and I went along with Pa to Mumbai. 

Wow - that was the freedom i was talking about in the first paragraph. Before that i was always accompanied by someone. First time i took Pa and went to Mumbai. It was frightening and at the same time exhilarating. Always i was treated like queen by my aathu. He will take care of everything. Checkin , luggage and everything and the last time was almost a decade ago. So, it was like all the more like first time. Going to the airport, checkin and boarding - ithuve enakku etho saathanai panna maathiri irunthathu.... Enakke enna paatha ore chirippu chirippa vanthathuu.... ithukke ivvalavu scene ah nnu.

I was thinking about my friends who traveled abroad for their UG even. Naano intha 40s la just oru Mumbai kke ivvalavu scene podrene nnu. 

Now my long time aasai fulfill agumnu nenaikkaren. Booked tickets to Madurai and Kodaikanal. Lets keep fingers crossed.

Now searching a good place to stay and for shopping. Google aandavare thunai. Paakkalam wanted to visit thirupparangunram too. P and Pa cooperate pannuvaangala nnu theriyala. ippove no kovil nnu solraanga parpom.

Passion

 Always right from my childhood, i love to teach. Iam so glad i acted upon it not for passion but out of compulsion. Actually i didnt choose CA as an ambition or something rather it was the only cheapest money making course.

So, when we underwent rough patches approx 8 years ago, teaching was the only option i had. As it had its perks. And again aathu was worried about the students cause those days the news was filled with students attacking the teacher and not to leave behind the teacher who eloped with an student (aathukku antha bayam laam illa chumma oru pechukkuthaan) . So he suggested taking classes for lower standards, but me being me changed the advertisement which i was supposed to give in the local newspaper in the last minute and conveniently blamed it on one aunty who accompanied me.

That was the best decision i made. From then on, its been a wonderful journey. Not only i earned but i got to interact with the students on a daily basis. Its so refreshing and boy it does have its moments when parents expect instant results like maggie or the jee boom baa . 

Once again the accounts paper got over and it still gives me high when children come and say happily that they did their exams well. That instant you forget the 8-10 hours which you had put every single day for the past 15 days not to mention the late zoom meetings (thanks to COVID) and the whatsapp doubts.

More than that when they hesitate to leave tearing up but not wanting to show it is the best moment. What more i can ask for. 

I think this is the only profession where you get so happy seeing others children perform i suppose.

It gets more special when the first batch still remember your birthday and bring cakes and when everyone wish you on teachers day.

Iam so much blessed to be surrounded by good people and iam forever thankful to God for guiding me whenever iam in crossroads. 

Friends meet

 Its not the Friends which was hyped few years ago. Though i can proudly agree, iam one of the few soul who didnt watch that series. I have heard ' ooooh aaaaah ohhhhhh ' about that, but still didnt have the inclination to watch

Coming back , met my friends after 10 years and wow i laughed a lot. It was no kids , no husband meet. I was bragging and making so much noise about this to my kids since the beginning of the month. P you should keep your day vetti and not fill with plans ( going out with friends or girlfriend) (konjam kooda vevasthaiye illatha amma) thats ok. And was saying  to Pa , you should get up and have your break fast and all. Aathu anyways was not in town , so innum vasathiyaa pochu.

Then sudden plan change. Aathu came for christmas holidays. Antha manushan paavam 2 days varisaiya leave irunthaalum will fly to Chennai. But, inga thaan vishayame, i have already planned, so cannot postpone my meet or can we say I didnt want to postpone the meet. So, intha pakkam aathu kitta romba kashtapadra wife maathiri, plan panniyaachu and i have work the other two days on which my friend is staying, enna pannattum? Can i postpone appadinnu overah scene pottu, illa illa , you go and come nnu avar solla, oru mini mega serial eh veetla odithu.

Finally, the day came. Aathu said i will drop you and  me and Pa will oorsuthify and u text me , i will come and pick you nnu. 

I was confused about my dressing, since it was more than 10 years, should it be formal or informal. Makeup or no-makeup ( namma makeup oru eyeliner and lipstick thaan), Finally decided, let me be comfortable and be myself. So, simple cotton salwar and less makeup. 

The moment i saw one of my friend coming in her vehicle - all of the 10 years flew away. It was as if there was no back - thats the beauty of school friendship right. No pretext, no judgement and nothing.

It was a laughter riot for whole of the 3 hours and the fun was the restaurant people didnt mind us and didnt even disturb us. It was to the point that we had to literally beg them to bring our lunch ( iruntha moonu per la nanga rendu per diabetic vera yaa) She was literally ayya kai kaal ellam nadunguthu konjam saappadu kudunga nnu.

We ordered onion rings and what came was doughtnut shaped onion rings in a stand. We ere like ithu ennathunnu. Naanga etho small ah oru vadam maathiri irukkum , namba style ah eduthu saapdalaam nnu paartha, ithu vaila vechu kadichu decent ah saapda avvalavu kashtama pochu.

Next, tawa fry paneer nnu sonna, mini poori kulla oru paneer filling vanthathu. Itha eppadi saapadrathu nnu yosichu yosichu seri poori maathiri saapadlammnu oru vazhiyaa saptachu.

Now for the main course, starters oru tragedy, ok, appadinnu my friend P - called the waiter and asked for kaaramana oru dish kudunga , ithu varaikkum ore chappu chappunnu irunthathunnu solla, avar mind voice la - aduppula potta melaga irukkunnu sollama brought pulav and mushroom gravy.

Diabetes patients naala - without desert meeting inithe niraivadainthathu........

There was a twist to the meeting in the beginning - athu romba personal - solla mudiyaathu - but it was an incident like - of all the places in chennai and of all these years ah nnu - nadantha oru vishayam.....

Namba olagam muzhukka famous ah - itha yaar padippannu theriyathu , so playing safe ......

hahahahha.........

I dont read my post once i write, so any grammatical mistakes, or if it doesnt make sense, pls forgive :)

COCKTAIL OF EMOTIONS

 Just last post i wrote about dealing with extremes.

My grandmother passed away the day before diwali. I have been experiencing mixture of emotions. I was very cold initially. I couldn't accept the reality. Its been a journey of 43 years together and she is  like a constant in my life. Whatever i speak, shout or scold or crib - she was my outlet but when all of a sudden it happened i was so numb.

One thing which i keep telling myself was - she didnt suffer at all. She passed away quite suddenly. It was instant and she didnt fall sick or bedridden . She was 94. And what more i can ask for.

Still sometimes i feel guilty , sad, overwhelming, cold , relieved - all like a cocktail.

Hope, i start living my life - keeping myself as a priority.

Random thoughts-1

I was randomly going through the posts of other bloggers and it was nostalgic and it was very much emotional too to read the comments and bring back the memories associated with it.

As i have stated earlier , none in my dear and near circle knows about my blog and i like to use this blog as my diary sort of thing. I now wonder on my much good for nothing posts and sweet nothings and most of them about P. 

Where has that person gone, now i dont have time to just sit and enjoy a good book or day dream by just lying on the bed and listening to songs.

My mind always jumps on the next thing and the other thing to complete. My schedule is jam packed and iam always on toes. Yes, partly its for money,(if not here where can i be honest) and the other is i dont want to think anything. I would like to keep myself busy.

I was reading a post about depression. And yes , i know iam on the verge, maybe i should go for professional help. Its very difficult to deal with people in various extreme spectrums

My grandmother - 94 extreme dementia ( in the beginning it was not duty but affection later it turned out to be duty and now its extremely hard to cope up) . Though my mind accepts that it is a different scenario , the events which lead to this state where i feel conned and my true affection was taken for granted and i was literally used puts my back up and what remains is now just a cold duty.

The other extreme is pre-adult son whos is in his last stage of teen and you got to be always on your wits end to cope up. I think it is extremely difficult to be a mother to this x-gen kids. You have to be a friend and responsible parent as well and be the caretaker of previous generation too.

And not to be left behind my daughter who is just 9 years old (and its like ippave kanna kattuthe) this is more sophisticated version 2.0 and very delicately to be handled. 

All this literally taking a toll on my health both physically and mentally and not to mention the job challenges in dealing with various statutory departments and my other job involves students of 12th.

ONCE I REMEMBER , WHEN P WAS GOING TO SCHOOL , DURING 2010 OR 2011, AFTER SENDING HIM TO SCHOOL - MY ROUTINE WOULD BE COOK, WATCH SOME ENGLISH MOVIE IN STAR MOVIES OR HBO AND HAVE LUNCH AND JUST LIE DOWN WITH FM IN THE BACKGROUND , WAITING FOR P TO COME HOME. AT THAT TIME, I WAS THINKING HOW MY LIFE IS SO MUNDANE. NOTHING ADVENTUROUS OR INTERESTING.

WHAT NOT I WOULD GIVE TO GO BACK TO THAT OLD LIFE. SIGH

ITHUKKUTHAAN PAATHU WISH PANNANUMNU SOLRATHU. SO MUCH FOR ADVENTURE

One signature

 We usually talk about everything in our class. I dont like it to be just academics. We talk about life and all the things under the sun, literally.

Yesterday, during a similar session, one of the student said ma'am, my parents have high hopes on me. My brother is an engineering graduate and when they were talking about their retired life, they were building castles. Not metamorphically, but real castles saying X (my brother) will find a job and settle in his life, but S (me) would do CA along with graduation and would buy big mansion with just few signatures. 

Ma'am, ist real we would be paid lakhs for our one signature??????????

What should i answer for this? Nejaththa sollanuma illa avanga hopes ah kalaikkakoodaathunnu poi sollanuma............................

Any field you get into, so many factors determine how you fare about. Those days when people say study hard , you can earn well, but does it  always work?

I tell my students, whatever you choose to become or study, the success depends on your skill set and the environment. So many factors determine our path - our family environment, our skill set, the lengths we determine to go about to achieve our dreams, our ambition and so on..........

What i feel is we should always enjoy whatever we do and should give our best. Even if i choose to mop the floor, i should do my best.

I can see a change in my pattern of thinking too. Being my first born - P suffered the most. I wanted him to excel and be the best, but later changed and now when he wanted to shift his stream completely, we accepted. Because, for us, now, his happiness is more important than the money spent or the year wasted.

Also, for Pa, even though i ensure she prepares for her exam, i am not that paranoid or i have adopted a laid back attitude. We just want her to enjoy the process rather on insisting she excel in everything. Ist, because naan thirunthittenaa or the age gave me wisdom or i understood the reality.

Whatever, I like this phase, lets just enjoy :)

No school

 For the past 2 months , this has been the rambling of Pa. Never before she used to say this. So this came as a shocker to the mom, who didnt have trouble with P at all during his entire school days. (I know he was very much interested in escaping from mom's hands)

First thing was, I was unable to comprehend the reason behind that. She is very much amukkam type . P usually tells everything(even today - if i just say appadiyaa, ok) , but nothing works with Pa. Only recently i have started to get something from her (at the least). So , it was all the more difficult.

And people who know me well, can understand. I tend to imagine all the worst possible situations in my head and would be kavalapattufying within myself, though i would put up a very brave front. Only my aathu would be able to decipher me. He can immediately say from my voice (naanga thaan long distance kudumbam nadathurome) that iam troubled.

So, being a very sensitive and body strong basement weak mom, i started panicking and tried to get information from her friends. This process took me whole day because i called their moms and tried to first make them understand the situation. (What else u expect , when you child starts crying uncontrollably the moment you wake her up for school)

By that time i had imagined various situations from all the psychotic movies.....

Fine, coming to the point, it turned out that she had problem with her classmates. For the past 6 years she was in one section, which means they were all used to each other and a safe haven was formed. Now, this year, there was shuffling. Initial days were like honeymoon, where they all showed their nice side and it was fun for everyone. When things slowly started settling, bullying and ego problems cropped up.

But, as a mother, you imagine the worst possible scenario and think of all the bala and selvaraghan movies and let your own screenplay playout in front of you. Ist too much exposure to information or as a society we have turned worst or there is lack of trust?

Ithukku nadula when i was asking her - she was like

Why should i go to school?

Why cant i learn everything at home?

Anyways you only teach me everything, why dont i opt for home schooling?

Iam going to be an artist and fashion designer, why should i study science and other subjects?

Maths , i agree, i need for calcuations because i will open up a retail store for my fashion label

Intha kelvi ellam enakku ennannu kooda theriyathu at that age. Hmm enna pandrathu

Somehow, convinced her saying, its the Govt policy that every child should compulsorily go to school.