2020 - life altering

Well, its been a long time since i even opened my blog. One thing i forgot my password and the username. Actually such is my life at the moment. HECTIC cannot even define.

I have been thinking i should definitely record the happenings . One it gave a new identity to the things i usually take for granted and it taught me better aspects about people and changed my outlook completely. 

Ennada, ivvalavu bayangarama oru buildup ah naaa. yesss athethaaan. Sometimes i get nightmare thinking about that. And it made my faith in god more solid. My thinking always is positive. Meaning i always look on the positive aspects of any situation rather than the flip side. Such is my nature. 

We have been on our own for quite few years, literally from the birth of Pa 2013 due to circumstances which cannot be disclosed in open ;)  But, its a nice phase i just love it. No family politics, no drama, no jealousy and no compulsion. Its a nice space. Iam not plagued by unnecessary thoughts and iam so occupied that i completely forget about other things.

I practice part time and also take classes for senior secondary and college students. Life cannot get better than this but for some results of the wrong decisions taken in the past by aathu and me (of course i cant place the blame entirely on his shoulders - 50-50 partners). Its a result of too much empathy and too much shouldering the world . Enna panna we both are made like that.

Ok now , coming to the story ahead, COVID - 19 hit. Lockdown. It was one of the wonderful phase in our lives. Though after few weeks aathu was hitching to go back to work , we had very good time and it was like - engal veettil ella naalum kaarthigai kind of thing. New recipes, cooking, going to shop was like disneyland trip. Seeing real people on road other than TV was like a super duper fun thing, with their masks on. I loved the sanitizer part and it smelled nice. We all smelled good ... hahaha...

So much of regulations and people were suddenly following the rules. (though i couldnt understand a single lady taking 10 50-50 biscuits and 20 - maggi packets and another home delivery sack containing all the junk in the world) .

Then , the first relaxation was announced around May mid . Aaathu was raring to go for work. Since it was a government project, he didnt have much restrictions and went to trichy. Everything was ok for a week.

We had usual conversation on sunday and sent few pictures of Pa posing to him through Whatsapp. 

And he was all the way not so well. There was some kind of disturbance. Do they call that premonition or something, i dont really know. Since it was COVID period he had difficulty in getting a place to stay. So, they found him a mansion which literally had just a cot. There were so many restrictions, so he couldnt afford to show that he was from chennai. Because of high number of cases in chennai, they literally were treating people from Chennai as some aliens.

And the night came and as ususal he was talking over phone and the next day was his mom's birthday. All was ok, since he was alone he would watch movies. He asked some suggestion to P. Those who know P, he is now a grown one studying I YEAR. (YES, ITS A SHOCKER TO ME, NOW TO READ ALL THE CHRONICLES). 

And now getting back, P suggested TRANCE (the malayalam movie - it happened in 2020) (and this is a half-written blog in 2020 and now iam continuing , so pardon if the grammar tense is somewhat vague) (and i wanted to finish this somehow). The next day was also the birthday of one his acquaintance and he was wishing him and talking with him too.

AND THE MORNING CAME. Got the usual call from Aathu and felt something was not right. He said he had some discomfort throughout the night and just came to the hospital. I said ok, go and check and keep me informed. 

After sometime , he called back and said the doctor asked him to get admitted since he feels it might be heart attack. AND I CANT EVEN GO BACK AND IMAGINE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO HEAR. He was some 350 kms away and saying this to me over phone. And he also started convincing me that it was not that and the Hospital wanted to make money and wanted to take him as scapegoat. 

He even had the audacity to compare the situation with singaravelan movie - venniradai murthy doctor.

Fortunately , one of his friends daughter is a doctor in Ramachandra and he had the presence of mind to send the reports to her. And she said immediately, UNCLE PLS GO AND GET ADMITTED AND DONT DELAY AND DONT EVEN WALK AND IT SEEMS TO BE HEART ATTACK ONLY.

Find a job!!!!!!

Yesterday went for purchase with Pa, and there was a furniture shop right next to the provision store. Pa wanted a new sofa...

me : we cant get new sofa now, as we don't have space for that in our home.

Pa : Ok. Lets move on to new home...

Me : blinking profusely....

Pa : I need to say bye to A when she comes from school today.

Me : Why? Is she going anywhere?

Pa : no, we are moving to a new home right????

Me: Who said?

Pa : Then only we can get that sofa right?

Me : No. not immediately, may be later.

Then, we finished our purchase and were coming home. She saw a new apartment under construction on the way..

Pa : Is that our new home being constructed?

Me : Engennthu thaan ithellam thonartho theriyalaye??  ( P was total chamathu paiyan), Its not ours baby.... we can get one later when we have enough money....

Pa : Why don't we have enough money? You go and earn...

Me : Iam earning and appa too. But, its not enough.

Pa :  Ok. Then I will earn, Find jobs for kids, so that I will earn and give you I already have Rs.1000

Me : dumb stuck... Immediately P's response for this would be ITHUKKU THAAN AVALA PEPPA PIG PAAKKA KOODATHUNNU SOLRATHU...

Actually Pa learnt fluent English from the you tube watching all cartoons and her thought process is also in English, and with that culture

Hmm, advantage as well disadvantage.. What u say

Innocense

Pa is highly influenced by her friend A who is our neighbor. Though she is two years elder to Pa she is smart for her age.
I wonder how kids get this smartness at such a young age... Pa is also smart compared to P who knew nothing other than keeping puzzles, coloring and playing games.....(I went back to my posts and started reading......which actually compelled me to write about Pa hereafter , so that I would also have the privilege of going through growing up years of Pa.regret the opportunities lost though).

Pa can get things done and she is more open to showing love these days by hugging and kissing me... she never shies from doing things in public and more open to display of affection in particular to me . Though she shows the same to her brother/ father if they come home from outside after school/office.  But after that she refuses to go near aathu and he is hurt so much by this.

With P, aathu was with him all the time, though he was away long hours in office nevertheless he was with him during his incessant days constantly. But that was not the case with Pa. He was on and off. Would that be the reason for that.... he keeps wondering. Though I feel the behavior of Pa is not constant and would undergo changes once she grows.

Came away from the topic as usual. A as I said earlier is an admiration to me. She adjusts with P when she needs something to be done by P or when no other friends are available. ist general child behavior or I find it amusing?

P constantly complains that Pa treats him very badly in front of her friend A. (the difference in their age is 9) At times I donno whether to laugh or cry.... He is sometimes like the pasamalar annan and she the thangachhi and at times both are at logger heads constantly.

I can literally see my hair greying and though iam sometimes on the verge of tearing my hair and clothes I do enjoy their rivalry at times.....  what an evil soul ;)

Back to self

Well, I really wanted to pour out my feelings. So again after raking my brain for few hours for my user id and password, re-entered my blog.
Did anything change between my last post and this one. Hmm, lots and none. I know I don't make sense.
Its just like that for me too. I found my passion in the mean while i.e teaching. I think I should have pursued it long back. It was actually taken out of sheer necessity. But, iam actually enjoying it to the core and I wish I could have found it earlier.
Well really wanted to record about P which requires separate post and about Pa. I am actually like the pendulum oscillating between the teen behavior and the kid. Sometimes I feel I might end up in the mental asylum. I literally cry and laugh at the same time with P and Pa.
I am proud at times, angry, hurt and everything just comes likes at the same time like the Chennai weather. During my childhood we used to ask whether it rained in bangalore and yes, there is rain here in Chennai. But now I am asking hey, ist raining there in saidapet? oh , yes it is raining in st.thomas mount. Though how the cloud knows the difference is mystery.

Well I started with something and ended up writing something

.

A small snippet between P and aathu when he went to pick him from school, he went along with Pa..

A : Yaaruda P antha ponnnu, unkitta kanlaye pesinale?

P : Unakku vera velaye illa….. Pooo

A : Illada, she was sitting in the van and pointed to Pa and asked " un sister ah?" in actions

P : Blushing.....(you want to know the image- u remember the girl in unnai arinthal - ajiths daughter - P is literal male version of that girl - with the same smile)

       Naan onnum sollala …….. amma paaru maaaa, ivana….

Everything is for GOOD

Well, I was unable to post in all these days  cause I forgot my password and email id. So thought why not open fresh and even opened a wordpress. But the familiarity bug bit me and I was not comfortable and somehow struggled and found entry into my domain. This is like a fresh BLOG for Pa, sister of P. Nevertheless the chronicles of P and CG WOULD also be recorded.

Past three years had been like roller-coaster and still it is. Some things cannot be shared even with your own Diary. I thought I was very weak until I had P. That was the first time I realized and relished my confidence and never-say-die attitude and will power. But now looking at things happening and that happened I would say it was like cakewalk now…

At least for my sake to get inspiration and relish I would like to record everything like I did with respect to P in my old blog. Even today when I read those posts its like revisiting those times even though P has grown very much for his age.

I always envied mothers having boys when I was little. I would be like “awwwwwww”  watching them walking with their mothers- the boys would be tall and would be having their hand on their mothers shoulders. Now its like that for me with P even though he is just 12. Naan kullamthaaan but still that fact cannot undermine his height though ;)

Pa not to be left behind is also tall like her brother and appa. She is really the savior of our family and just for this reason I have titled this post as above. Initially when I conceived thought do I really have to continue cause the age-gap between P and Pa was huge. Nevertheless wanted to continue since I didn’t want P to face the similar situation which Iam facing being only child and no parents. Though its not fair on my part to say that having a gift like my aathukarar at my side who more or less is like my mother.

Pa , she is the reason we have withstood all these turbulences these past years and acts as a glue between us , who would have  otherwise spent  lives  living like a kadamai with the problems. She really brought meaning and gave a purpose and not to leave behind who showed exemplary behavior and courage and understanding without whom I would have been lost and ended up in a mental facility , seriously this is not an exaggeration and the problems were SEVERE and still are. But without PRAYER and GOD really I don’t think we could have come this far….. I always think DESTINY is what is we are moving towards and really without SUPREME POWER we couldn’t have survived this catastrophe. Though nothing is over I sincerely believe GOD who brought us till this stage would really take us to the safe side. Its not like I have suddenly become preachy. There were times where I would be sincerely praying reciting all slogams and parayanams and times where just I would light the lamp and pray with folded hands. Nevertheless my belief is intact.

When I went to an astrologer few years back (etha thinna piththam theliyumnu irukkara oru mentality - now ennavena nadakkattum lets face it appadingara oru stage ) he told me – you have a peculiar character – it is a boon actually – even while you are suffering you take that in a good natured spirit and would look for positives in that and would relish the suffering – in his words “dhukkaththai aarathippaval” as sathguru said.

Thinking I thought may be he was true. I would always try to find a reason and would tell aaruthal myself – see if things had gone otherwise it would have been worse. Only because it happened this way iam able to do this/get this – so GOD really made it happen this way for this only. Everything right from my mothers demise to my fathers separation to choosing a particular stream of study to falling in love to having P and Pa to present day situation I really take things at its stride.
One more important lesson was that my aathukarar who is easily exploited learnt about people and this period he was able to distance himself from those persons who would otherwise have been a leech. No amount of reason or explanation would have done the job but even this I really consider the work of GOD I mean the problems.

WHATEVER MAY BE STILL I BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS FOR GOOD

New Arrival

This year has been the most dramatic year of my life so far. So many changes. Change is the only constant thing of life nnu padichathu ivvalavu applicable aagumnu nenaikkala.
First things first - P is the proud brother of little baby girl Pa. We have moved to our new home. P changed his school. Mothathula puthu veedu, puthu baby, puthu school, renewing of bonding with maamiyar, ore kalakkrachandru thaan. But all the more hectic. So new chronicles of Pa with existing ones of P and lots of interesting characters in apartment with over 400 houses to follow. Hope to record everything if not in order :-) 

Early morning gyan

I dont enjoy cooking. Period. I just do so that i will have something to eat and i can give others something to eat. Sometimes, my hormones would work over time and i would be in the cooking spree. Doing all new dishes and giving juices, soups and all healthy items to P. Mostly i would always ottify the time with the dosa/idly maavu (P being hardcore idli/dosa boy helps me mostly) We would always have the occasional tandoor items and the usual sambar rasam and the twice a week kootu or keerai. Rather than the cooking i hate this planning process- Whats for lunch, breakfast and dinner? Since everyone in the household cannot have rice for more than one meal, this really turns out to be a problem. Naanum evvalavu alternates thaan yosikkarthu? Why people should have appetite for 3 times and cant it be for just 2 per day?!!!!!!

Previously parents / teachers never really tried to understand a child i.e i mean they just pressured him to study all the subjects. They never cared about whether he likes maths / science/ language / english. But now we totally empathise with them and if they dont study we just say he is not good in that particular subject. So we just want him/her to scrape through it. Ennada sambandame illama academics varuthennu paarka koodathu iam into the subject only. Similarly why dont they ask us women whether u like cooking or not / whether u prefer cooking or not. It is just assumed that all women should cook and not only just cook but cook nicely. It is the mentality of everyone irrespectively. And also while cooking u r bound to get compared with mothers/aunts/grandmothers/ or antha chitthi / periamma etc..... If i get a chance i would jus like to sit, laze around and have coffee served and breakfast served for me. Okay u get all these in restaurants but one thing is i like to eat dosa while someone would vaarthufy and give me chuda chuda. Fed up of having it blunt without the crispiness and cold ones instead of the piping hot. What treat it would be to have ur tongue burnt and at the same time having hot dosa one after the other with kaara chutney or kothamalli chutney. What not i will give for this alone.................